


Perishable

by kourota



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "satisfied", Abusive Parents, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Lots of Angst, M/M, Minor Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Minor Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Suicide, Triggers, don't kill me for killing my baby, honestly i was just angsting like an edgy emo teen, i honestly don't know why i wrote this i just wanted to kill someone but that's illegal, i may have projected this one musical iwaoi version, pls don't read the tags there are spoilers, smh there really is no originality under the hinta-i mean sun no i don't, thank you loulou for beta-ing this for me i love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-16 04:47:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kourota/pseuds/kourota
Summary: “What fire doesn’t destroy, it hardens.”Oikawa had already walked through hell and back so he thought nothing would be able to bring him down, but when Iwaizumi decides to get married to a girl who was so much like him, he finds himself dissolving into the ashes he swore he would never become.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 84





	Perishable

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of trigger warnings in this so please be wary, I don't want to accidentally make you feel hurt or remind you of traumatic incidents. Triggers: childhood trauma, psychological trauma, suicide, self hate and self loathing, abusive father, abused as a child, just a lot of trauma. The characters in this fic rightfully belong to Haruichi Furudate except for the OC Misaki or Misa-chan. Major character death. Angsty as fuck. Also please check out the absolute bean of a writer [ @Louie_writes ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/louie_writes) 'cause she helped me a LOT with this fic (you should've seen how it was before the suggestions,,, I absolutely loathed this thing)
> 
> [oh yeah please don't hate on my oc she is a bean and only judge her after you've read the whole fic also this is my first time writing an oc i am terrified whelps lmao let's get right into the fic.]

“What fire doesn’t destroy, it hardens.”

Oikawa lived by that principle for as long as he remembered. He believed that every instance where he felt pain would serve to forge him into an impenetrable fortress. Into something that would never break. He would pull through, emerging victorious no matter what the odds were. Well, it wasn’t that he had a choice in the matter, to begin with. His story was written out for him and he’d just have to follow the script. After all, he was just a puppet for his father to manipulate so that his reputation wouldn’t be ruined. He was told his sister had already fallen too deep to be pulled out, and she was stuck in a place where hope was no longer a word in the language they spoke.

Oikawa Tooru did not want the same to happen to him. So he strained at the chains and eventually managed to break free, but it was too late.

\---

“Tooru, can you help me pick some flowers? You seem to have a better taste than Hajime over here,” Misaki called out.

Oikawa didn’t miss how she called him _Hajime_. Well, he supposed it was to be expected, what with them getting married tomorrow. That didn’t do anything to alleviate the sharp pain from thorns digging into his chest. They were supposed to have planned everything out but somehow managed to forget the flower arrangement. He couldn’t even trust the both of them to plan out their own wedding, and hence here he was, making sure they wouldn’t accidentally screw it up, what with how rushed and sudden it was.

“Misa-chan,” Oikawa sighed. “I thought I asked you to decide on that a week ago.”

“Sorry,” Misaki apologized with a sheepish smile. It was hard to be mad at someone who was so radiant and happy, as her toothy grins were extremely contagious. “I was too engrossed in trying to decide on the food menu. You can’t just dump all those options of desserts on me without expecting me to panic when all of them looked so delicious!”

“But that doesn’t mean you spend a whole week on it!” 

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll make it up to you. Somehow.” Misaki laughed, a sound akin to the tinkling of wind chimes against a gentle breeze. “So can you please, please, _please_ help me for now, Tooru? Pretty please?”

It was hard to say no to her, what with those wide brown eyes that seemed to withhold gentle pureness in them—something he never had. And so Oikawa ended up following her to help her pick out the best flowers that would make her wedding the grandest in town.

“You said you wanted to go with a light blue and white theme right, Misa-chan?” Oikawa asked, peering at an album that displayed all the various flower arrangements and decors.

“Aye aye captain!” she giggled. “Light blue is yours and Hajime’s favorite color isn’t it?”

Oikawa was taken aback. “How did you know? I never told you that.”

She winked at him. “I’m secretly telepathic.”

Oikawa laughed at that. She always had a way of making him laugh. Maybe it was because they held no deeper meaning, Oikawa found himself dwelling on her words.

She couldn’t have been telepathic because then she’d see all the dark, sinister, selfish thoughts Oikawa had. She’d find out just how horrible a person Oikawa was, because every time he saw her near Iwaizumi, completely mesmerized by him, he wanted to steal him away, all for himself. But Oikawa didn’t hate her. He hated himself because he couldn’t bring himself to hate her. He couldn’t hate someone he loved so dearly. 

And so Oikawa remained chained by the heavy, burdening weight of jealousy. Dark, twisted jealousy that wanted to destroy everything in its path to get what it wanted.

“Tooru, is everything alright?” Misaki snapped him out of his thoughts.

Oikawa put on his usual smile—a facade he had forged from years of being tormented. “I’m just a little hungry. Say, you want to steal some pastries from the kitchen?”

A mischievous twinkle glimmered in her eyes.

\---

Oikawa dearly loved the people he was close to. He treasured them and held them so close to his heart there wasn’t any space left for him. Well, he didn’t deem himself to be worthy of love in the first place, so he didn’t have any qualms about it.

Hence here he was, watching his best friend—the one he truly loved—kiss someone else. Iwaizumi Hajime was marrying the woman of his dreams—someone who was better than Oikawa in every way. Misaki had a smile so bright it could light up the night sky, a face so beautiful the angels in heaven would be put to shame, snark so sharp and yet it wouldn’t cut you because it had a hidden softness, and a heart of pure, untarnished gold. It was a million times better than his own broken smile that was weighed down with guilt and sorrow, better than his face that was scarred and bruised from the years of anger his father unleashed on him, better than his words that always held a deeper meaning and selfish motives, better than his heart which was rusted and creaking and would hurt anyone who ventured too close.

She would make him the happiest man on earth, while Oikawa would only curse him to a life of tears.

He knew they loved each other deeply. Only a fool would look into their wonderstruck eyes, see the way their fingers wove into a tight bond, hear their euphonious laughter, feel the warmth of summer radiating off their gazes and even bother denying it.

Oikawa was not a fool and neither was he cruel enough to break their relationship. He couldn’t do that to his best friend. Not when he’d done so much for him. Not when he’d been by Oikawa’s side through every trial and pulled him back up each time. Not when they vowed to protect each other and stick it through the fires and the storms. He couldn’t do that to Misaki, not when he vowed to keep her happy and protect her for the rest of his life. Not when she actually had a shot at happiness after all the struggles she’s been through. In a way, she was the same as him. She came from the same suffocating family, the same helplessness, the same anguish of not being enough.

And Oikawa did not want anyone to suffer as he did. 

So he hid the pain and took the place of the bride’s father, walking her down the aisle to give her away to the man he loved most. He never faltered in his step. Not once did he let his smile slip. Not once did he let his emotions overpower him, reigning them in under a firm hold, even though it tore him apart to do so. He was bleeding, but he didn’t let a single drop of blood fall to the ground because he knew he had to hold it in.

For the sake of the girl he took in as a younger sister, he would walk through the fires of hell.

\---

Misaki had shown up at the shabby place he, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki were staying at. Together, they had managed to earn enough to afford a roof over their heads even if it looked haunted. The locals had no problem with them staying there because the run-down place had been abandoned for years and it had little to no value to it. So they turned the place into their safe haven where they could escape from their families. It was rough, but it was their home, and they loved it dearly.

And when Misaki had shown up, trembling and wet from the heavy rain, bleeding from scraped knees and elbows, caked in mud and leaves, but still wearing a faint smile, something in him immediately decided to protect her. Maybe it was the stark resemblance to his own sister who he lost to the ploys of that man, or maybe it was the last remnants of kindness in his heart. Maybe it was something else entirely. Oikawa didn’t care about anything else at that moment.

He vowed to protect her till his very last breath.

She giggled and called him overdramatic, but accepted his promise nevertheless. The others had no problem in taking her in and said she would be a fresh change in their home. She immediately got along with Matsukawa and Hanamaki like a house on fire—it was one horrible pun after another. She challenged Iwaizumi to a fistfight, and even though she looked like she couldn’t lift a potted plant if her life depended on it, she managed to dodge all the punches and land a blow on Iwaizumi’s jaw. The fact that Iwaizumi was almost completely holding back wasn’t deemed important enough to be mentioned.

She insisted she clean up the whole house so that they all wouldn’t die of some random germ eating them from the inside—she was descriptive that way—and set about to scrubbing every last speck of dust into oblivion. Naturally, the boys joined her, and soon, their home looked good as new. It was clean, neat, and… _fresh_. She cleaned their lives the same way too. Not a single day went by without her tinkling laughter, her mischievous smirks, her playful pranks, and her doting, over-the-top affection.

Her relationship with all of them was different, even though the love in it was the same. She and Matsukawa were attached by the hip and were always up to some sort of mischief, and you could trust them to lighten up the mood in any room they walked into. She and Hanamaki were the sort of friends who you would think were complete, utter dorks, because the only thing they would do was gossip all day and gush about cute guys and the ideal romance of fantasies. She and Iwaizumi took every opportunity possible to diss Oikawa and call him out, and they both were the moms of their little, merry group—in the sense that they made sure everyone was healthy as an ox and strong enough to fight.

With Oikawa, her relationship was… personal. At first, she was just as peppy with him as she was with the others, but when he stumbled across her with tears in her eyes, sobbing silently, she came clean about her pain. Oikawa held her close and supported her throughout the time she told him everything about her and how she ran away from a home that was suffocating and demanded something of her she couldn’t give. And at that moment, Oikawa realized that she was the same as him, if not, purer. She wasn’t yet broken. She could be saved.

It made all of them realize just how precious she was.

And they all loved her very, very much.

So it shouldn’t have been a shock to Oikawa when Iwaizumi and Misaki fell in love. It shouldn’t have shocked him when both of them announced that they wanted to get married. It shouldn’t have come as a shock that they would make such a good pair because, in all honesty, Oikawa should have seen it coming.

And he should have been more prepared to burn every last bit of his love for Iwaizumi and bury the ashes deep down where he would never be able to find it because he knew that he would never, ever, be able to do something that would hurt her.

\---

That was probably why he didn’t speak up against the marriage all this time they planned every detail. That was probably why he didn’t speak up against it when the all too familiar words cut through the silence of the room as if it were a blade digging deep into the flesh of his throat. Oikawa never felt so… _helpless_ before. It felt too much like he was following the script written for him. Handcuffed—that’s how he felt. He could never be free. The strings that he was born with would remain, taking deeper roots as the time trickled by, for he was born into a hold firmer than the grasp of a frightened child.

“Now you may kiss the bride.”

Oikawa closed his eyes and let his smile mask his pain.

\---

“Kill ‘em Iwaizumi!”

“Show them the strength of the groom!”

“Uphold the name of your family, you bastard!”

“Flex those biceps!” That was probably Makki.

The air was filled with rambunctious yells of all the people who attended the wedding. In the center of it, two people were facing off in a battle only meant for the strong. Iwaizumi and Kyoutani were arm-wrestling, with their suits tossed aside and sleeves rolled up. Makki blew the whistle and the two men’s faces furrowed in concentration. If he looked close enough, Oikawa could see the veins in their flexed biceps and triceps, but the struggle only lasted a few seconds before Iwaizumi completely overpowered Kyoutani and slammed his hand down hard onto the table.

“Too soon!” Mattsun yelled, joined by a drunk giggle from Makki.

“You’re ten years too early to beat me, kiddo,” Iwaizumi roared with laughter and ruffled the younger man’s hair. “Try harder next time!”

“Again!” Kyoutani grunted, followed by a hooting from the crowd.

“Why do you even bother?” a certain mouse haired man called out. “You’ve always lost to him anyways!”

“You’re supposed to be defending your man, Yahaba, what are you doing, pulling him down?” Makki slurred, and Yahaba immediately turned a bright shade of red, with Kyoutani ducking his face and grumbling out a few curses.

“I’ll take on any challenger!” Iwaizumi yelled, rolling his sleeves up and flexing his muscles.

“He is such a brute isn’t he, Tooru?” Misaki giggled from next to Oikawa, causing him to chuckle. She handed him a glass which seemed to have wine in it. Oikawa accepted the glass and brought it to his lips, relishing the warmth that coursed through his mouth as he drank it.

“Indeed. He’s a gorilla of a man. I wonder where he gets all that strength from,” Oikawa mused.

“It’s all in the muscles, Tooru! He’s built like an Ox!” Misaki gushed, her cheeks slightly dusted with a shade of rose pink.

Oikawa looked at Misaki and wondered how someone could be this cute.

“I agree. Especially look at his strong, defined arms. I wonder exactly all the things they could do,” Oikawa suggested, winking at Misaki to emphasize on it.

“T-Tooru!” Misaki sputtered, turning beet red and burying her face in his side. She lightly punched him on his arms and chest, as if it would drive away her embarrassment. “You dummy, dummy, dummy!”

Oikawa couldn’t help but laugh. It was always fun to tease her—her reactions were absolutely priceless and very entertaining. All he had to do was make a dirty joke and she’d go red in the face and short-circuit.

“You’re so cute, Misa-chan,” Oikawa chuckled.

Misaki looked up at him and smiled softly.

“You’re the cuter one, dummy,” she murmured.

“Hey Iwaizumi,” Mattsun yelled, grabbing everyone’s attention. “If you don’t pay attention, Mr.Steal-your-girl here is going to whisk Misa-chan away from you!”

Misaki wrapped her arms around Oikawa and stuck her tongue out at Mattsun. “You can’t take me away from my adorable Tooru!” she yelled back.

“Oi, Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi called out, laughing. “Are you flirting with my wife you jackass?”

_Snap._

The thing with emotions is that they hit you hard, and at the most unexpected times. You could be having the time of your life, and a single word… a single word could rip through you and have all of your blood tumbling out. In Oikawa’s case, he didn’t hear the whole sentence. His mind zoned in on one word: “wife”. And that was all it took to shred his wings and bring him hurtling to the ground. That was all it took for the pain he tried to stall came crashing down on him, crushing him under the burdensome weight.

He lost his chance to make Iwaizumi his. He lost his chance to ever make things right. Misaki was now Iwaizumi’s wife, and there was nothing he could do about it. There was nothing he wanted to do about it. He very desperately wanted to let out his love for Iwaizumi, but there is a difference between what he wanted, and what he needed.

He needed to keep Misaki happy because he knew that she was a very important part of him. 

But he so desperately wanted to love Iwaizumi. The thing was, Iwaizumi was also a very important part of him, and if Iwaizumi was happy, Oikawa could also be happy.

These conflicting thoughts and emotions soon became too unbearable. He couldn’t drown it out in faux happiness, and pretend to be alright. They became a toxic, poisonous gas that flooded his lungs and choked it. Oikawa didn’t like this feeling at all. It was just like back then— nothing had changed. He was still as helpless and weak as he was. He had never grown out of this feeling, and now he was plunged right back into it. He couldn’t see a way out of it this time.

He couldn’t see an end to this road that didn’t lead to pain.

“I need some air,” he managed to choke out.

He ignored Misaki telling him that it was an open air party. He ignored the worried calls of the others, and headed to wherever his feet would take him. He just wanted to get away, if only for a short moment.

\---

“Hey Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi walked up to behind Oikawa, with a bottle of _sake_ in his hand. “Upset that I'm the one who got married first?”

“I hoped we’d get married together, you know?” Oikawa laughed, hoping the bitterness wasn’t as obvious.

_I hoped we’d get married to each other_.

“That’s because you couldn’t go and find yourself a damn wife, you perfectionist!”

_That’s because I want you, Iwa-chan._

“You turned down half the girls in the world… exactly what on earth are you looking for in a wife, you dumbass?”

Oikawa remained silent for a while. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he had to keep the words all bottled up. He couldn’t afford to blow it for his best friend. Even he wasn’t such an asshole. If Iwaizumi was happy, so would be Oikawa. That was the way things were supposed to be. So he brushed himself aside and put on a playful smirk.

“I’m not answering that without some of that delicious _sake_ you seem to have in your hand, Iwa-chan~”

“This is just a ploy to get your hands on this, isn’t it?” Iwaizumi tutted and held the bottle away from Oikawa’s prying fingers. “You sly devil.”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm a devil alright I agree, but just give me some of that will you? What did you bring it here for? To chuck it off the cliff?”

“Knowing you, you’d probably leap off if I did that, just for the _sake_.” Iwaizumi was laughing really hard now, clutching his stomach with his one free hand. The sound was euphonious to Oikawa’s ears and he suddenly felt that this might not be that bad after all.

All that went down the drain as soon as he’d downed a few glasses, though. Oikawa felt warm and calm—as if he could see and feel everything in the world. His senses were clear, but there was something off about it. He felt too light. Too… _free_. That wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to be free. He stared at the ground, trying to focus on it to see if this alien feeling would go away.

Iwaizumi regarded Oikawa with a strange expression. “You alright there Shittykawa?” he asked.

Oikawa’s head snapped up towards the sound, and he fell in love all over again. If he had a paintbrush, colors, and a canvas, he would set about to etching this beautiful face so that he could seek refuge in it should his memory fail him when he’s frail and greying. Oikawa was often told he had a beautiful face but he sought a different kind of beauty.

“I want to marry someone who I can find to be beautiful when I can no longer see...” Iwaizumi paused drinking and waited for Oikawa to carry on. “Someone whose voice I can hear when I’m deaf, whose lips I can taste when I’m sick, whose warmth I can feel when I’m dead. I want to marry the person who would give me wings yet ground me should I fly too close to the sun; provide me with the strength to grow but also trust me enough to rely on me; someone whose mere name stirs up myriads of memories—sweet and sour alike.”

Oikawa continued, a gentle smile taking over his features. 

“I want someone who accepts my flaws to be a part of me and loves them unconditionally, as they would love my virtues too. I want someone who knows me and understands me the way I know and understand them. I want someone who I can write a story with—a story like those fairy tales people talk about. A story with a conclusion and a happy ending. A story… not a… script.”

Oikawa opened his eyes to find Iwaizumi in tears. He splutters, startled at the unexpected reaction.

“What on Earth, Iwa-chan?”

“Shut up, dumbass,” Iwaizumi grunted, roughly wiping away his tears in the crook of his elbow. “That was really poetic okay? I was moved, oh what am I not supposed to have feelings now?”

“No, no, that’s not what I—oh forget it. Who cares anyway? My inner romantic came out, that’s all,” Oikawa grumbled, trying to pretend he wasn’t flustered when, in truth, his cheeks were flaring a shade of scarlet.

“Well—” Iwaizumi cleared his throat “—it sounds to me like you have someone in mind?”

Oikawa abruptly stopped. Everything around him went silent, except for the drumming of his heart. It echoed, louder than necessary, drowning him in this sense of fear. 

“Oikawa? Oh boy, did I hit jackpot?” Iwaizumi’s voice was too peppy. 

Oikawa tried to deny it, but there was something about those sharp green eyes of Iwaizumi’s that unwound his chains. He could only watch as the handcuffs dropped to the ground, the metal leaving a dull ringing in his ears. Was he… free?

“Yeah. It’s someone I can’t marry, though.”

_What are you saying, Oikawa? Stop it, you promised!_

But Oikawa didn’t want to listen to the voice in his head. He felt that if he didn’t say these words, if he didn’t get it out of his system, something bad would happen.

“You never know until you try, but who is it?” Iwaizumi was trying to hide his excitement but was failing. “Is it someone I know?”

Oikawa nodded.

_Stop that! You’ll only get hurt! No good can come out of this!_

But Oikawa wanted to believe in the small glimmer of hope—that baseless hope that the odds might favor him for once.

“Is it a close friend of ours?” Iwaizumi asked, a little too enthusiastic, probably because of the _sake_.

Oikawa nodded yet again.

_You’re going to hurt him! You can’t do this to your best friend, you monster!_

Iwaizumi sucked in a breath. “Okay, I’m going to need one last hint… could you tell me her initial? Or maybe her hair color… honestly, anything will do at this point.”

“He,” Oikawa blurted out and regret rocked through him in powerful surges.

_Oh no. What have you done, you monster? You’re going to ruin his life! You’re going to ruin your best friend’s life!_

But some part of him wanted it. That selfish, egotistical part of him that stemmed from his roots. The very roots he couldn’t escape. Those strings that came attached couldn’t be cut even with the sharpest of blades. He was a puppet and a cruel one at that. He wanted to relieve himself of the pain, even if it was momentary and fatal. Even if it would ruin his best friend’s shot at a happy life.

“He?” Iwaizumi asked. Realization dawned on him. “Oh. I… I never knew. Whoa.”

There was a sudden, jarring silence, followed by a sharp intake of breath.

_He hates you._

“Oikawa,” there was a certain foreign-ness in Iwaizumi’s voice that Oikawa hadn’t heard before. “Who do you love?”

Oikawa fell silent. Quieter than he had been when he was trying to hide from the leather belt that his Dad used to punish him with. Quieter than he had been when he realized his fate was etched in stone. Quieter than he had been when his dreams fell to the ground and shattered. Quieter than he had been when he had a chance to interrupt the marriage. 

Quieter than he had been when his love kissed another.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi’s voice was cold and harsh. Oikawa flinched. “Who do you love?”

The tears fell freely now. Completely unrestrained, they tumbled down his cheeks and darkened the soil under him. A sob broke through him as he let go of the reins and watched as his emotions galloped all over him.

An apology was all he was able to choke out.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, crying. He wouldn’t have realized if Iwaizumi had left him either. He fell, hard and fast, plunging into the void that had opened up within him. It was too dark, too cold, and he found himself longing for the familiar warmth of love. Even if it was a mirage, he wanted to bask in it for a little while longer— anything to chase away the harrowing loneliness that kept creeping upon him.

“You fucking dumbass,” Iwaizumi croaked. “You stupid motherfucking dumbass! What the fuck did you do?”

Oikawa sat there, too exhausted to reply, and too guilty to leave it at that.

“Why?” The anguish in Iwaizumi’s voice was too much to bear. “Why did you not tell me sooner you asshole?”

...what?

“Why did you wait until now to tell me? Why the fuck would you not tell me until now?”

_You wouldn’t understand, Iwa-chan. I couldn’t. I broke away too late, and now your heart belongs to someone else. And I’m such a selfish bastard for telling you this and pulling you down to dwell in the grief with me._

“Answer me dammit!” Iwaizumi screamed.

“You wouldn’t have loved me back,” Oikawa whispered.

Silence. Agonizing silence. The kind of silence that threatened to gnaw away at the remains of your sanity. It loomed around them both, waiting to rip them apart.

“What made you think that?” Iwaizumi’s voice was octaves lower, ridden with hurt.

“Huh?” Oikawa sniffled.

“What made you think that I didn’t love you back?” Iwaizumi’s voice seemed so… _broken_. “What was it that I did that led you to believe that I didn’t love you at all?”

_“What is he saying? Why is he getting my hopes back up?”_

“All that time I’ve spent with you, pouring my heart and soul into staying with you for just a little while longer, enduring all the trials just so that I would be able to see your smile once more. All that time, how is it that you weren’t able to see the way I looked at you? I thought it was obvious that I loved you and yet…” Iwaizumi trailed off. “And yet you never looked back the same way. So I gave up on you and tried to love another. It was hard—gods, it was so hard—but I kept smiling so that I wouldn’t have to burden you with these feelings of mine.”

“I—” Oikawa gasped “—I didn’t… know. I don’t understand… why?”

_Why are you saying this? What do you mean?_

“Why?” Iwaizumi cried candidly, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and a tired smile conquering his features. “I love you, dumbass. What part of that is so hard to understand?” 

And just like that, the handcuffs broke. They dissolved into ashes and were carried away by the wind. Oikawa never felt lighter in his life and for the first time in a while, he tasted the sweet elixir of freedom, not the illusion that teased and deluded him.

“You wouldn’t know,” Oikawa spoke softly, “but I too looked at you when you weren’t looking. You wouldn’t know because I hid it from you, behind this smile of mine. I too feared that I would burden you with these unnecessary feelings of mine that kept brewing like a wildfire. They were devouring me, Iwa-chan. It hurt. It hurt so much but I knew it would hurt more if I hurt you.”

“And yet—” Oikawa choked, eyes welling up with tears “—I was ready to selfishly hurt you to ease the pain. To free myself of the weights of the words left unsaid because I was too weak to carry their load. I’m such a horrible, horrible person, am I not, Iwa-chan?” He laughed bitterly, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“You are not a horrible person, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi spoke sternly. “You are not horrible for being true to yourself. So what if you hurt me? I’m your best friend dammit! I’m the only one you’re allowed to hurt, so why don’t you believe in me? Did you really think I was weak enough to break under the weight of the truth? Why do you not trust me enough to catch you when you fall?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you!” Oikawa snapped. “I didn’t want to fucking ruin your life!”

“But you didn’t ruin my life, did you?” Iwaizumi yelled, and Oikawa fell silent. “You didn’t ruin my life. Oikawa you _helped_ me. You _saved_ me from living a miserable life, pretending to feel something I don’t. I love you and you love me, so where did you ruin my life?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Oikawa. So let go of your fears and jump. I will catch you, like always.” Iwaizumi smiled.

It seemed too good to be true.

“No.” Oikawa’s voice was ridden with guilt.

“What?” Iwaizumi asked, confused.

“I can’t do that to Misa-chan,” he whispered.

Iwaizumi stopped.

“Fuck,” he hissed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. No, this can’t be true. I can’t—fuck! Dammit!”

There was something in Oikawa that felt very hollow. Something was missing. There was a strange calmness that enveloped him. It was a thought. It kept repeating in his head, playing in an endless loop. It slowly dawned on him—the truth of the situation.

“You love Misa-chan.”

When Iwaizumi didn’t reply, Oikawa felt the calmness spread within him. And just like that, all the pain was gone. Gone! He had never felt this light before. It was an alien feeling, this peaceful calmness.

“I’m so glad,” Oikawa sighed.

“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi trailed off. “I learned to love her because I wanted to move on from you. She… it’s actually hard to _not_ love her. She is so much like you and… she… she deserves so much better than me.”

“That’s amazing, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa didn’t understand why he couldn’t feel the words anymore. Oh well, it was still better than those waves of anguish that rocked through him. “You and Misa-chan are really meant to be!”

“Oikawa, no—” Iwaizumi started but Oikawa cut him off.

“You love Misa-chan and she loves you, so you should be happy with her! And if the both of you are happy, I can learn to be happy too!” He smiled to prove his point. “See? I’m not forcing this smile at all! We can all be happy together, Iwa-chan! If you have learned to love another with all of your heart, I can too!”

“Oikawa please, no. Don’t do this to yourself and me. We’ll figure something out,” Iwaizumi reassured. “I’ll make sure not to hurt her. We can always find a way, Oikawa. If we believe it… I’m sure we can figure something out. There has to be a way!” 

It sounded more like he was trying to reassure himself.

Suddenly, a sniffle sounded behind them.

They immediately spun around and saw Misaki, standing a few feet away. Her eyes were puffy and red, face streaked with tears. She clamped her hand on her mouth and turned to run away.

“Misa-chan! Please don’t go!” Oikawa yelled.

She stopped in her tracks and turned towards them. Her brows were furrowed—an expression she only wore when she was very, very angry.

“Why? So that you can use me again?” she snapped, her words raging like acid through both Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s veins. “What grand scheme does his highness have for his disposable pawn?”

The calmness in Oikawa shattered.

“Misa-chan! You know I’d never—”

“Do what, Tooru?” she cried. “Betray me? Well you just did! I trusted you with everything I had and you pulled the ground from under me to leave be falling. You said I was your sister! You said you’d love me and protect me forever, but what are you doing now?”

“How is any of this protecting me?” she screamed.

“And you,” she turned to Iwaizumi. “I respected you and when you told me you loved me, remember what I asked you? I asked you if it really was true. I asked you that countless number of times because I wanted to make sure you weren’t in love with someone else.” She gasped for air. “And now I know just how many times you lied to me.”

“You could have told me you loved him, Iwaizumi. Even right before the wedding, you could have told me you loved him, and that you didn’t love me.” Misaki’s voice dropped really low. “I would have understood. It would hurt, but not as much as it hurts right now when I found out for myself from a conversation I _very clearly_ wasn’t meant to hear _._ ”

“I am not just a sweet girl who pours everything she has into pleasing others. I have a pride and I completely _despise_ being toyed around. You should have known, Iwaizumi. Afterall, you chose to love me because of my resemblance to Oikawa. What would you say, if I were to tell you, that we both were very much related, and that I was actually his sister?”

Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa stood rooted to the ground.

“Tooru, you might not have noticed, but I was there when he hit you. I was always watching—not because I wanted to, but because they made an example out of you. They told me if I didn’t obey that man, they would whip me like they did you. They never let me actually meet you, but… I always wanted to let you know that I was there for you. So I tried to sneak food to you whenever that man locked you in that storage closet.”

Tooru gasped. He had always thought it was the maid who left him some food so that he wouldn’t starve to death.

“I got caught and they thrashed me for it. I didn’t mind the pain, though, because I knew you had it so much worse than I did.” Misaki’s voice cracked. “I thought that if I got into trouble, you’d be beaten up lesser. And then, one day you finally ran away. I was so happy that you were free, Tooru, I really was. I thought that maybe one day I could run away too and join you.”

Misaki was crying, and Oikawa saw the resemblance. They were both ugly, ugly criers. Their faces scrunched up, their noses turned red and runny, their eyes puffed up, but most striking of all was the sobs that choked them.

Misaki… she was his sister.

It made sense to him. Everything began making sense to him— why he was so protective of her, why she always reminded him of himself, why he could never put himself before her.

She was his little sister.

He was told that his sister was in a place that had no hope. He… he should have known that she was always right next to him. He thought of how she must have suffered there alone after he ran away. She must’ve been trapped there for three more years. His heart dropped at the thought of all the pain she must have gone through in his stead. 

And now he was putting her through the same pain, even though he vowed to protect her. He couldn’t do that to Misa-chan. He couldn’t do that to his sister.

“And there you have it,” Oikawa barked out a laugh. “I’ll have to tell Mattsun that your wife really is my sister, Iwa-chan!”

“What?” both Iwaizumi and Misaki exclaimed, confused.

“Mattsun and I made a bet to see if we could rile Misa-chan up to the point where she snapped and told us that she was my sister. I said it couldn’t be true because my sister was dead,” Oikawa lied through his teeth. “Boy oh boy, did I never expect to lose.”

“Shittykawa what fucked up bullshit is this?” Iwaizumi’s voice was suddenly so, so cold.

“Come on, Iwa-chan. Did you really think that I loved you?” _It hurt so much to say these words. Why am I doing this?_

“That’s just plain stupid.” _No, it is not. My love for you is the only part of me that is uncontaminated; the only part that I’ve managed to keep away from the clutches of that man._

“After all, you’re my best friend, how creepy would it be to fall in love with you?” _It’s not creepy at all._

“I just wanted to see if Misa-chan really was my sister or not. And now that I know that she is, this calls for a celebration! Yahoo!” _Why am I saying all of these things I don’t mean? I’m hurting Iwa-chan. I—_

_“Are you going to deprive him of the dignity you don’t have anymore?”_

And just like that, Oikawa was brought back to reality.

“Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi lunged at Oikawa and grabbed him by the collar. “You’re fucking lying, you’re fucking lying, aren’t you?”

It hurt so much, and Oikawa could feel pieces of him falling apart, moving of their own accord. He realized that even though the handcuffs were gone, there were still strings attached. Strings that the puppeteer embeds in the soul of the puppet to keep it from disobeying him. He couldn’t escape them.

“Now, now, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa crooned, praying that his voice wouldn’t tremble like his heart. “Why would I lie to you?”

“So all of this was a farce?” Misaki griped. “What on earth is going on here?”

“Please, Misaki, help me talk some sense into this shithead!” Iwaizumi pleaded at Misaki and turned back to Oikawa. “What the hell, you were pulling my leg? Answer me dammit! Was everything you said just a fucking joke? Am I just some sort of a prank?” 

Oikawa couldn’t bring himself to answer that, so he looked away.

_“You’re doing the right thing by pushing him away, Tooru. It’ll hurt him now but he will get over it. He’ll pass you off for an asshole and will loathe you and that will help him grow as a person._ _Misa-chan will finally be happy and get the fairy tale ending she deserves._ _”_

“Were my feelings just fucking toys to you?” he croaked. “Please, tell me that’s not true. Tell me that you love me, Shittykawa. Tell me that you’re just running away now because she’s your sister and you don’t want to hurt her.”

“I… I can’t lie, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whispered even though every fiber in his body screamed at him to deny it.

And just like that, something in Iwaizumi snapped. Oikawa could see it in Iwaizumi’s eyes— the lush green that could rival the beauty of the forest faded away and was replaced by a bleak, murky swamp. Iwaizumi’s hold on Oikawa’s collar slipped and his hands dropped to the side, limp, almost as if they were broken. Iwaizumi… he was broken. And it might be beyond repair.

Only then did Oikawa realize how badly he messed up. He expected wrath, to be punched and shoved and beaten up, but he didn’t expect utter silence. He didn’t expect Iwaizumi to completely shut down as if he was utterly defeated.

“Tooru, what are you doing?” Misaki cried.

“What?” he looked at her.

“You fucking idiot!” she swore. “Don’t pretend as if everything is alright! What do you take me for, an imbecile? I can tell that you’re lying here!”

“That’s not true—”

“Shut up!” she screamed. “Just… shut up alright? I don’t want you to give up everything for me. I was pissed that I’d been betrayed but it’s—” she gasped for air “—it’s alright. I can find someone else to love. It’s completely okay that he doesn’t love me—” her voice cracked and she sobbed. “I don’t want you to hurt because of me.”

_We really are siblings aren’t we?_

“Iwa-chan loves you, Misa-chan. He has learned to love you. And—” Oikawa tried to hold back his tears “—you can’t learn to love another if you wholly love someone else. Iwa-chan really is over me. He just got too emotional, that brute. He wouldn’t have agreed to marry you if he didn’t love you, Misa-chan.”

“But I can’t take him away from you, Onii-chan!” Misaki yelled. “Do you think I’ll be able to be happy knowing very well that he loved you, and still loves you so much? Can’t you see how much you’re breaking him? How much you yourself are hurting? Have you seen yourself? You look one step away from death! I can’t do that to you, not when I finally get to be with you as your sister!”

“Why can’t you see that things can never go back to the way they were before? We can all change, Onii-chan! So please, tell me that you love him, and I’ll let you both be happy. I don’t care about me— hell, I can find myself a nice husband but you… you really love each other so please… please just… stop hurting yourself.”

_“Things can never go back to the way they were before.”_

“What have I done?” Oikawa whispered.

“What?” his sister asked, confused. “I didn’t hear you.”

He miscalculated everything. He thought he could make the situation better, but he ended up ruining everyone’s lives. A void opened up in his chest as he remembered the last thing his father said to him before he was tossed out on the streets.

_“You’re a disgrace to this family. I wish you were never born to me. Now leave my sight, you failure.”_

And it sounded so much like the voice in his head. The voice that kept telling him that he was ruining it. The voice that egged him into doing things he would regret.

The voice that made him truly a monster.

He could never let this monster hurt his sister and his best friend. He wanted their happiness, but he could see no way to achieve it. He had told Iwaizumi that he didn’t love him. He had made Misaki lie to him about not loving Iwaizumi. If only… if only he had never opened his damn mouth and bottled up everything nice and tight, all of this wouldn’t have happened. He broke almost every promise. He hurt everyone. He did everything he swore he would never do…

Just what more reason did he have to live?

He was only going to cause anguish if he stayed with them, so he had to walk out the door of their lives. Even though he wanted to see them for a little while longer, relish their euphonious laughter, make memories with them, sweet and sour alike… he knew he couldn’t do it. These were the things he wanted to do. But there was something he needed to do, and the difference between what we want and what we need is rather peculiar, because the latter and the former often tend to not coexist.

“Iwa-chan?” he whispered, in a last, feeble attempt to mend things.

Iwaizumi didn’t respond.

_“I’m sorry, I lied. I really do love you. So please, come back to me.”_

But the words were stuck in his head, playing in a loop, refusing to be spoken. Oikawa didn’t even _want_ to say them. He couldn’t say those precious words with the same mouth that he called them lies. He didn’t deserve the love and affection of the person he repeatedly lied to, the person he finally managed to break. And so Oikawa decided to wait for time to heal the wounds, to wait for Iwaizumi to return, to wait for his soul to become pure enough for him to say these words.

And Oikawa Tooru decided to do what he did best.

“Sorry, Iwa-chan. Thank you for all you’ve done for me. It would have been nice to see you smile again, though.”

Misaki screamed and lurched forward, grabbing Oikawa’s hand as he stepped back, off the cliff. Her grip was strong, but it wasn’t enough. She couldn’t hold him by herself. Oikawa thought it was poetic and thought to himself that he was a burden she could never bear. Of course he was. He was never anything but a burden to the people around him. Everyone who chose to stay with him suffered. Oikawa was slipping, and soon he’d be able to do what he needed to do.

But all of a sudden, another pair of hands grabbed his other dangling hand.

“Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi yelled. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“You can’t do this Onii-chan!” Misaki sobbed. “I won’t let you leave us! We need you, why can’t you see that? I don’t care what happens as long as we’re all together! Please, don’t leave me just when I’ve found you!”

“You can’t fucking protect her if you’re dead you dumbass!” Iwaizumi grunted, trying to pull Oikawa back up. 

It dawned on Oikawa that all was not lost, that there was still hope. He immediately regretted his decision and tried to clamber up the cliff before he completely broke them all for good. He didn’t know that they still wanted him. He didn’t realize that he was needed, and that they would actually want them. He didn’t realize that there were a few occasions where what he wanted to do and what he needed to do could be the same, and could coexist.

“Thank you, you two,” he choked out amidst tears.

He finally managed to quell that painful calmness that had enveloped him, and for the first time in a while, a flame burned in him. It had been rekindled when he almost lost everything, and Oikawa was determined to keep it burning as long as it required. He was going to make things right and never, ever run away from things.

But he noticed something that sent shivers down his spine.

The earth on the edge of the cliff was breaking apart. Cracks spiderwebbed all over, with dust trickling down. There was too much weight. It would soon break off and they would all fall down the cliff and die.

“Let go of me you two! Get back! The edge is breaking! You’ll die too!” Oikawa yelled.

“We’re not going to let go of you!” the both chorused. 

“Are you fucking stupid? Let go right now or you’ll both die with me!”

“I don’t care! I’d rather die with you than live in a world where you don’t exist!” Misaki screamed.

“And don’t you ever fucking dare think we’d give up on you, Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi yelled, trying to pull Oikawa up. More cracks spread, and Oikawa was sure it was going to break if he didnt’ do something.

Oikawa twisted his hands in a way that made it impossible to get a grip.

“Stop doing that Onii-chan!” Misaki screamed. “Please!”

“Shittykawa! I’ll murder your ass for this, you fucking asshole!” Iwaizumi barked.

Oikawa Tooru was a person who treasured his friends and held them closer to his heart than he held himself. If it was for the sake of these few treasured people, Oikawa was willing to burn through the fires of hell a thousand times over. So when he was faced with a choice of himself and the two people he loved most in the world, the decision came smoothly and naturally.

“I love you both,” he whispered, and jerked his hands out of theirs.

Maybe if there was more time, their combined strength could lift him. Afterall, Oikawa knew them to be very strong. But the thing about life is that there never is enough time. Never enough time to pick yourself back up after you’ve fallen; never enough time to thoroughly enjoy what is; never enough time to speculate upon the ‘what could be’. Oikawa always strained at the chains but he broke off too late this time too.

You see, Oikawa Tooru had been through the trials of many fires. He had lived through the fires of regret, the fires of trauma, the fires of loneliness, the fires of anguish, the fires of failure, and the fires of hell that he was eternally chained to. He lived through them all. But the one fire he could not tame—one fire he could never triumph over no matter what he did. It was the fires of love. The fires that always burned within him although he couldn’t pinpoint them. It was these fires that forged him and gave him the strength to live, and it was these very fires that would consume him.

And what fire doesn’t destroy, it hardens. But Oikawa Tooru was very much perishable. 

And so he burned.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thanks for reading this!!! You have no idea how much it means to me!!! Also if y'all need something fluffy after this please read this manga called "Kimi to Boku" or "Saiki Kusuo no PSI-nan" they're funny as heck and you're gonna love them. Just don't let the angst lead you to do something stupid okay? Love you hunny bunchkin! You're the bestest bby birb!!
> 
> Edit: as was pointed out by a lovely hunny bunchkin in the comments, I MAY have projected this one iwaoi version of "Satisfied" (from Alexander Hamilton the musical) which I am ashamed I forgot about (kill me now for I have SINNED) so here is the link to the youtube video y'all: [ Satisfied (Iwaoi version) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWdjppA8x9c)


End file.
